I have a doctor's appointment at 10:45 this morning. That will take me out of the house for a few hours. I've already planned to bring my dry cleaning and my math study, so that should be taken care of for today. As to the others, I'll have to work it out.
I meditated this AM, but it did no good. I got a triple Need Hit this morning and it set me into another tailspin. The first one was when Dan asked me for money for his cab. That was simmering for a while because I cannot stand it when he doesn't anticipate his own needs. It's not just once in a while, this cab money thing. It was once a constant thing. Then, while I was making his bed, Alex jumped on the bed and wouldn't get off. I can't do anything that will sidetrack Alex or my life becomes hell for it, so I left the bed for making after I got back. Then I learned at the last minute that Alex will not eat cream cheese or the cheese slices that are planned for lunch, so I had to quickly toast a bagel. My mind was filled with dread that he wouldn't eat that bagel either, because it had grown cold. But neither will Alex help me out by telling me what he WILL eat. Alex has really, really, REALLY bad days at school when he refuses to eat lunch. This was about all I could take.
I blasted him. Ranting and raving as I do. I called him everything in the book. I told him that he enjoys making me cry everyday and that he must WANT to mess up all the time. This went on for 20 minutes - all the way on the walk to school. Between the rain, the anxiety over the doctor's appointment, the rage over Dan's messing up again and Alex's refusal to eat yet another food, it was all I could take.
Maybe anxiety is my problem. I feel stuck and I can't get past all of the hurts of yesterday.
I also have to work out a plan to get around the big chunk of today in which I'll be out. Here goes
1) Meditation: AM done; PM to come
2) Clutter Clearance: Likely still the bedroom
3) Creative Work: Photo wall continuing
4) Gym; a strength training day
5) Math study; on the way to the doctor's office and back.
I have to get a 10:11 bus for the doctor's office. I'll prep for that right now.
Update 2:30 PM: I just got back from the doctor's office plus errands. It's still pouring out. I read a little trig, but still need to do at least 15 minutes more. I did about 15 minutes worth of creative work too. After that, I still have nearly everything to do.
About the explosion this AM; doc thinks I may have depression. Offered to write an Rx for an antidepressant. I'm not sure I want one. They take so long to work too. It would be hard to determine if it was the drug that worked or a mere change of circumstances since the 100 day challenge will be over at the same time. I bought dietary supplements instead. Cal-Mag-Zinc to start. Will be researching diet aids too.
Tribulus is out for now. Too much risk of it become estrogen in my body. Next week, I'll have my gyno order a test for testosterone, progesterone and estrogen in my blood.
Right now going to enjoy a coffee and some quiet before I have to go get Alex at school.
Update 6:10 PM - Today was a rough, rough day. Alex's behavioral chart had another yellow star. He failed to get any stickers again. This stresses me the hell out and I took it out on Alex again. I screamed. I ranted. I just lost control again. I realized that I wasn't going to be able to get much done today, so that stressed me out too.
We WERE able to get a list together of all of the things he believes he will eat. So there's that. And he tried a cold drumstick, which he didn't finish. There goes that idea. He needs proteins at lunch and I can't give him nuts. There are few other sources of protein that he'll eat cold.
I also just did a few minutes of clearing the closet shelf. I know I said I would do at least an hour of clutter clearance, but there's no way I can do it today. I got one shelf done and I should be happy with that. I can't go to the gym until Dan gets home so he can stay with Alex. Alex will also need a shower tonight.
I can still squeeze in creative work and math study while waiting for Dan to get home. I'll try both now.
Update 7:20: Dan is home. I think I'll just do more creative work right now and see how I feel later on. The gym is open until 10 PM.
Update 10:59 Meh. I spent a half hour selecting photos and I just lost half of them. I didn't go to the gym nor workout. I just can't do it tonight. No mental energy.
Good night all. Today gets a 3.
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